56 Years of Hurt, Never Stopped Me Dreaming!

The morning after the night before. I write this as the nation nurses its collective hangovers, both of the booze and tournament football variety. Our first final in 55 years and the first international tournament final of mine and a great many others’ lifetimes. The closest football has been to coming home since Baddiel, Brodie and Skinner penned that perennial tournament hit (and my parents’ wedding song by the by). Perhaps as a Newcastle as well as an England fan I should have known better. Failure, whether glorious or ignominious, is simply part of our DNA. Trophies are things that other teams win after all. Yet all the credit in the world has to go to Gareth Southgate and the lads because for the second time in three years, they’ve allowed us to dream.

After the previous hellish 18 months where we’ve been stuck inside, this vibrant, exciting, progressive England side have given us something to come together around. We’ve seen the joyous scenes over the past 4 weeks, seeing people coming together to celebrate and party. Unfortunately last night after the game, the repulsive neanderthal element of English football supporters came out again, with reports of truly abhorrent racial abuse on social media and some video footage showcasing violence. After a tournament which gave a sapping nation such a timely morale boost, it is at one both heart breaking and infuriating to see these creatures absolutely defile it all.

Each and every one of those players should hold their head up high, including Marcus Rashford, Bukayo Saka and Jadon Sancho. These have been a vital part of the most successful England side of certainly my lifetime. They will be the side that brings football home, whether that be next year in Qatar, in 2024 or in 2026. But even if they can’t do it, at the very least they’ve given us back our hope. Gareth’s gang have given us back our pride at international tournaments, after so many years of stinking the place out and sinking without a trace.

It’s the hope that kills you in football, but hope is what keeps you coming back for more.

Never celebrating

Towards the end of the second season of Netflix’s Sunderland ‘Till I Die, after Patrik Bauer scores the late winner that meant the Mackems would remain in the Third Division for another year, one of the Sunderland fans the season focused on said something that I actually found touching in its way

‘how comes it’s never us celebrating’

To be honest, I really, genuinely felt that.  The exasperation of a woman for whom this is one of the more crushing in a frustratingly long series of misfortunes, rejections, knockbacks and seeing hopes fade and die.

Approximately an hour or so before posting this, I had just been informed of the latest in a seemingly endless round of job rejections.  This one stung particularly hard, because up until this point I had really felt that I was getting somewhere with this one.  My CV was noted with interest, I passed the written exam they set, I felt the interview had gone almost as well as I could have expected.  Yet once again, I climb up the ladder to once again be kicked back down it.  As I sit typing this right now I can’t help but think of the other candidates who’ve received the opposite news to me, those who are going through to the next stage.  I think of this pretty much every time I miss out on a job or fall short of the next stage of an application.  I think of the joy they must be feeling in this moment and I must confess to a small pang of bitterness, as I sit here once again feeling ‘how comes it’s never me who’s celebrating’

Is this fair or reasonable? Of course in the grand scheme of things it isn’t.  It does feel petty and ridiculous to get angry at people I’ve never met for being better suited for a position than I am.  I of course am in a way pleased for those who got the opposite news to me today, because for them it is a good day, a happy day that they can and should be able to celebrate.  But for now I am simply stuck in the headspace that it always seems to be me getting the bad news while it is the gift of others to receive the good.  This is, much like the Sunderland fan, the latest and probably toughest in a long series of knockbacks and rejections for me, and it. fucking. hurts.

However, I know this self pity party cannot and will not be allowed to continue indefinitely.  For those of you that know me or have read my blog previously, I have never had all that much time for self pity.  Today has not been my day, but tomorrow fucking will be.  Tomorrow I will get back to work, applying for jobs, studying online courses and trying to network as best I can.  Next time I will be the one who gets to celebrate.

Thoughts from Lockdown

Writing from the UK here, where we are almost at the end of our three week lockdown period.  I think we all fully expect that to be extended for a good long while yet, with the most optimistic predictions I’ve read saying these lockdown measures can be loosened by the end of May, almost two more months left to wait at the very least.

So far I’ve spent the time trawling Netflix (yes including Tiger King, how are any of those people real?!  I’m currently writing this post with Michael Winners’ racist fever dream Death Wish 3 in the background) keeping caught up on my varied podcast feed and playing a frankly unhealthy amount of Football Manager 2020.  If I’ve achieved nothing else during quarantine I want it known that I got my Darlington side promoted at the first time of asking, and presently looking a good bet to do it two straight years in a row (4-3-3 Gegenpress with wingers and one striker, if you’re curious).

I’ve been working out fairly regularly, thanks to workouts posted from the gym as well as suggested ones from friends and over the wide web as a whole. Also been running to get myself a good dose of fresh air, luckily where I live I have easy access to access land and fells so I can run without the danger of bumping into many or any people really.  Plus I’m still entering the Great North Run in September, which to the best of my knowledge is still going ahead so I need to keep miles in my legs.

Fuck though it’s hard, having my world shrink down to the same four walls.  I’m starting to grow sick and tired of the relentless messages of positivity and productivity that I see online during this period.  Yes enforced social isolation is necessary but its also OK to absolutely hate it.  In times like this you really grow to appreciate the small pleasures in life, for me the big one of course is going to the gym.  Fuck I miss going so much, I miss the joy of a really good session on the weights, I miss the classes and I miss the amazing fitness community that’s been cultivated there.  I’m also frustrated, purely for selfish reasons of course but at the time I’m still very much job seeking.  This pandemic will extend that period of time for probably another 2 or 3 months.  It grates a little that this has hit at a time when I have been enjoying a little more success in hearing back from employers.

But what has heartened me during this time is seeing some of the best of humanity.  Communities coming together to look out for the most vulnerable, people coming out to support our amazing frontline workers.  I do hope that once this has blown over, we can look out for those who kept society running as they looked out for us.  I hope we can demand every single staff member working in the NHS gets the pay rise they so deserve (as well as the service is funded and resourced properly).  I hope supermarket workers, public transport workers, the ‘little’ people in society whose labour has proven to be vital.  I hope that our care for the vulnerable lasts long beyond the end of the crisis, that we can relearn what it means to work as a community.  That the mentality of individual uber alles can finally be put to an end and we as a society realise that what we can achieve when we all work together and look out for each other is so much greater than what can do as atomised individuals.

Once this is all over though, I cannot wait to get out and see all the faces I’ve missed and will continue to miss, as well as to enjoy being part of a bustling community once again.  The day where I lift a big deadlift or sink a pint in good company cannot come a day too soon.  But for the forseeable, if you can then stay the fuck home!

 

Scoping out a new challenge!

Since the beginning of 2019, I’ve noticed myself regaining my sense of daring, of refusing to allow my disabilities to hold me back from doing anything I want to do.  I had just recently come off the back of my first Hexhamshire Hobble (a 10.41 mile or so fell run covering the picturesque Hexhamshire common).  For those of you who have read this blog before you will know how much of an achievement that was for me, running in at just over 2 hours.   As 2019 progressed I began to get involved in weightlifting, eventually entering into my first (albeit very low ranked) strongman competition.  Whilst I wasn’t able to lift my maximum nominated weight of 155kg, I did comfortably lift 130 and 140kg effectively single handedly (using a weightlifting hook for my stump hand).

Now its 2020, I am taking on a very different type of challenge.  I have entered my first ever Great North Run, electing to run on behalf of a wonderful charity, Scope.  I’ve never allowed my disabilities to hold me back in life, and I want to help Scope ensure that no disabled person is held back in whatever they want to do.  If you would like to donate towards helping me reach my goal then I’ll include a link at the bottom of this blog entry!

I’ll be updating this blog monthly with my training progress to let you all know how I’m getting on.  Luckily cause I live in a fairly rural part of the North East I have plenty of runs available to me, a couple of five milers and one 10 miler over the fells.  Genuinely so excited to take part in the worlds largest half marathon and hopefully raise a good chunk of money for such a worthy cause!

If you’d like to learn more about Scope then you can read about them here.  If you’d like to learn more about some of the valuable work they do in ensuring equality for disabled people across the country then you can check out their campaigns here

If you are able to and would like to donate then you can do so here.  Any contributions would be very welcome!

If any of my fellow word(press)-smiths are running this year then all the best in training and I’ll see you in Newcastle in September!

 

 

All Octobers’ Eve

For a large set of the population (myself included now) the 1st of October is the official beginning of Halloween.  Over the last 5 – 10 years, I’ve come to see Halloween as sort of the dark mirror of Christmas.  The build up lasts from October 1st, you see the spooooooooky music played on the radio and TV, plenty of money is spent on items for the one day, including costumes, sweets, booze, parties and movies.  For me in very recent years I’ve been taken by the idea of doing the 31 movies for 31 days thing, started mainly as an excuse to sit down and watch lots of the major horror franchises.

So, as we sit on the Eve of October I’m going to share with you my list of films for this year, the idea being I’ll write a mini review on every film every day, to share my thoughts.  Some of these films I’ve watched before and loved and some of these I’m coming into for the first time, trying as always to blend the genuinely terrifying with the comic.  Blending the classics in with the modern.  So without further ado, here are the 31 films I’ll be checking out this Halloween:

1.The Babadook

2. Intruder

3.Psycho

4. Wolf Creek

5. Return of the Living Dead

6.Audition

7.Murder Party

8. Eight Legged Freaks

9. I am the Pretty Thing that Lives in the House

10. Blood Rage

11. Maniac (the Modern Remake)

12. Maniac Cop

13. Cube

14. Let the Right One In

15. Scream 2

16. Ghost Ship

17. Hellraiser II

18. Paranormal Activity

19. The Strange Colour of your Bodys Tears

20. Blood Feast

21. The Task

22. Oldboy

23. The Amityville Horror

24. Cloverfield

25. Hereditary

26. The Witch who Came From the Sea

27. Cannibals vs Carpet Fitters

28. Evil Dead II

29. The Gate

30. House of 1000 Corpses

31. It Stains the Sands Red

Guess Who’s Back?

Certainly is dusty in here *cough cough*

(Firstly I know I may still have an actual audience on here so I’d like to point you in the direction of my travel blog https://onefootforward514384381.wordpress.com/  It’s very much in its’ infancy in terms of me writing it and what I want it to be so feedback or eyes on the product would be incredibly helpful!)

As I find myself annoyingly between jobs at the moment, I thought one productive way to pass the time between applying and the subsequent rejection would be to fire up my old WordPress blog and get those fingers and that brain of mine working again.  So here I am, back again and hoping to find new topics to get writing about.

Something I’ve recently started to do over the past two years is do a 31 days of movies for both October and December (horror and Christmas based respectively, but you already knew that).  So, with that in mind I’d like to set myself a target of watching the movie and then writing up a piece about it.  Largely this would be a way of getting my blogging mojo back and getting used to creating (hopefully) quality online content again.

So, the deal I have is simple, I will publish my list of 31 films for October/Halloween by the final weekend of September (in fact if I still have an active audience here, please suggest some titles for me to watch, I’m open to any and all suggestions, subject to if I have to pay for them outside of streaming service subscription fees) and then from October 1st through Halloween, watch the film and write up a brief review.

Looking forward to getting back into this!

T

 

The sun now sets on TV

https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/27030/815020082

Round 2!

TV is a huge of part of almost all of our lives, it offers a medium from which we can get our news, draws inspiration for all those office water-cooler conversations.  It has the power to make us smile, make us weep, make us feel more informed, make us angry, unite us, divide us.  It has allowed us to be more connected to the world around us, it has brought so many important events into our homes, both inspiring and depressing. TV allowed us all to witness the collapse of the Berlin Wall, it allowed us to take those first steps into freedom with Nelson Mandela, it sadly brought us all too close to those horrific events on the 11th September, 2001.

Now I personally have never been a fan of the bashing of TV, never been a fan of those who labour under the delusion that by not owning a TV, one becomes a superior human being.  After all, it is not the TV itself that ‘dumbs people down’, it is what they choose to watch on it.  There are plenty of intelligent, engaging programmes around that allow people to become engaged in for example politics, the natural world around us, to educate us about history, about engineering, about science. There are even some quality dramas around, which can both entertain and engage us.  Even the news, obvious agendas aside, is still a useful way to allows us to keep up to date with current affairs.  TV isn’t just about shallow, vacuous pesudo-reality shows, its not just about an endless stream of insipid talent shows, there is still plenty of engaging, interesting content to be found on the box in the corner of the room. (Disclosure, I do enjoy light entertainment quiz shows such as The Chase or Pointless, I never claimed to be a role model!)

Rambling aside, do I think TV is still relevant in this digital age?  In a word, no.  The purpose that it once served, bringing the world into your front room, can now be served much quicker through using the internet.  If you want to read the news for example, you can now almost instantly read whatever story you were interested in within seconds.  Thanks to social media and YouTube, you can get even closer to any breaking news around the world, and you can see the stories for yourself, rather than through the eyes of a national news organisation with whatever agenda it has.  The internet age is allowing more and more of us access to real, factual accounts of events and lets us put our own interpretation on them rather than viewing someone else’s.  Even in terms of entertainment, the internet age is slowly winning over the age of the TV.  Online streaming services (such as Netflix, my own particular choice) allow people the choice to watch what they want, when they want.  Whilst the selection is limited to whatever the servers host, people can still find whatever they like in there and watch it instantly, without adverts and they can watch as much as they want in one sitting.  In an age where people have less free time, online streaming allows the viewer more control.  Rather than having to stick to TV scheduling, people can watch their favourite shows at a time which is convenient to them.  On a personal level, I only ever really watch the television for football or any other big sporting event.  My entertainment mainly comes from sources such as Netflix, or through catch-up TV services such as the BBC iPlayer.  I even enjoy some original content creators online, both via YouTube and Maker/Blip or through their own websites.  I also still have a decent collection of DVDs, which provide the same function that online streaming does in that I can watch what I want, when I want.

The internet allows all of us to access everything instantly, whatever news or entertainment we desire.  When we are able to access everything now, why wait until the TV schedules will show something?  Why wait for the news bulletins at 6, or why wait for the 24 hour news cycle to cover a story when we can just go online and in seconds find out the information we want?

However I’m sure this discussion was had when TV took over from radio and yet radio still carries on today, strong as ever (granted mostly through people at work or people travelling).  Television won’t ever completely die, I feel we will still turn to television during the big events of the day, whether they be news, or sports, or entertainment.  But for most of our everyday lives, the internet/social media/streaming is now king.

My adventure with the boys from the Dwarf…

https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/27030/815020082 

(As someone who is notoriously indecisive, I’ll be doing a couple of these.  I also love film and TV, so yeah, there’ll be a bombardment of my mediocre offerings.  I can only apologise in advance)

Some of my earliest memories of TV have been sci-fi related.  One of my earliest (and longest lasting) loves has been the space sci-fi comedy Red Dwarf, which operates in a similar vein to Doctor Who in that the premise allows the characters to move freely within time and (mostly) space.  A brief introduction for the uninitiated, the show centres around the titular mining ship, wandering aimlessly throughout the universe 3 million years into deep space.  Contained within this ship are our cast of hardy space adventurers, trying to find their way back to Earth.  Our cast of brave souls is as follows:

Dave Lister:  The last human in existence.  Lone human survivor of a nuclear accident which wiped out the entirety of the Red Dwarf crew (he was in stasis at the time).  Lister finds himself awoken 3 million years away from the future, and away from home. Doomed to wander space and time forever, unless he can find a way home.  Loves: slobbing, beer, curries and more slobbing.  Hates: cleanliness, order and pot based noodle snacks

Arnold Rimmer: A hologram of Listers dead bunkmate.  A man of tremendous cowardice and great pettiness.  Totally dedicated to his (non) career, to the deficit of his relationships with his fellow humans.  The character I probably identified with most as I was growing up incidentally, make of that what you will!

Kryten: A service robot rescued from the wreckage of another spaceship, arguably prissier than C3P0.  Kryten lives to serve, takes great pleasure in menial tasks and is almost entirely subservient to the rest of the crew.  Develops a rebellious streak as time goes by (not always consistently, but this is a comedy and notoriously inconsistent with almost everything it does)

The Cat:  A creature evolved from cats, behaves pretty much as you’d imagine a human-cat hybrid would. Vain, self-obsessed and incredibly stupid.  Pretty much the comedy foil to every other character.

I know it’s a long winded opening but it’s all necessary to reach my point. Which is basically if I could enjoy a consequence free visit to the future, I would spend it with the boys from the Dwarf!  It’d be interesting to visit alternate dimensions and visit my counterparts, to see how changing even the smallest decisions in my lifetime would affect me.  I’d quite like to visit the backwards universe, cause it would probably be the only time I could experience a world without crime, without war and without hatred (although granted Christmas wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun, and don’t get me started on the lavatory or eating arrangements!)  It would be interesting to see if we really are alone in this universe, if there is any alien life hiding in the darkest recesses of existence, and whether or not they are friendly (for the record, there are space creatures in RD, but they’re all creatures of human design.)  Mainly I guess it would just be nice to spend time with characters who I grew up with and being part of their unlikely band of brothers.  Others may wish to spend time upon the Starship Enterprise or suchlike, exploring the universe with a brave and dashing crew.  But that’s not for me, give me this rag-tag bunch of smeg-heads any day of the week.  Plus who doesn’t want to be waited hand-on-foot by the admirable Kryten!

New Year, more comfortable skin

https://dailypost.wordpress.com/dp_prompt/new-skin/

Well now, Happy 2015 followers/casual readers! I hope you all had a good New Years Eve and Day wherever you are and however you celebrated it.

As the New Year dawns it is of course the perfect time to take a breath and take stock of where I currently am and where I would like to be this time in 2016. I’d say I was a reasonably ambitious man and would hope to at least achieve one of these to consider 2015 a moderate success. So without further ado here is a list of ‘resolutions’ which would help to make my skin fit a hell of a lot more comfortably.

1) This one I admit is impossible, so this will be my only wish to be a different person. Regular readers of this blog know that I have a rather impressive list of disabilities, mainly physical, slightly mental. If I was able to radically change bodies for the next year, I guess I would choose to spend a year out of the only period I will enjoy ever in existence in a body that isn’t spectacularly limiting/abuse fodder for utter troglodytes. I’ll be the first to acknowledge that I can do pretty much anything that a ‘normal’ person can in my current state, but it would be nice to spend a year unencumbered from handicap. (that’s it for the melodrama, promise! The rest of the list is more ‘typical’ for New Years’)

2) Lose weight/build some muscle – the most stock of stock New Years resolutions, but it is one that I feel more prepared to fulfil. I dont think I could ever become a full-on fitness fanatic or become essentially a walking muscle (I love food that is terrible for me and real ales far far farrrr too much), but to lose some timber and sculpt some muscle on my arms would do me right down to the ground. The health aspect is obviously also part of this resolution (although I wouldn’t class myself as dangerously overweight as things stand) but mainly it’s just for aesthetic purposes. Despite the above, I am still guilty of a little vanity. I could stand to have a healthier diet as well, I’d like 2015 to be a year where I feel and look better than ever.

3) Read more – It’s not that I don’t already read as things stand, I do read as it is. My problem is simply that I am keener to watch TV/go on my laptop/X-box than sit down and read a good book. There are several books in my possession that have simply gone unread, I want 2015 to be the year that this is resolved. By NYE 2015/6, I want to have read every unread book I own. I want to be a more well-read and consequently more interesting person. Because right now I am honestly a little dull.

4) Follow the news closer/keep up with current affairs – for similar reasons to the above, I could stand to be lot more interesting, the only thing I’m really ever up to the minute on is football. Whilst I am usually aware of what’s going on in the world (and mildly annoyed at people who aren’t) There’s never any harm in keeping a closer eye on the news, trying if possible to get several perspectives in an effort to try and keep an open mind.

5) Be less afraid to express my opinions/take positions – I really need to start expressing these more often on social media for example. I am not a man who enjoys confrontation admittedly but I feel this year I should be more forthright, obviously whilst trying not to be too obnoxious or self-righteous about anything. A subsidiary of this resolution is to ensure that I research stories as much as possible so I can take a properly informed position that can stand up to inevitable scrutiny. I need to be more prepared to fight my corner if needed as attempting to appease everybody pleases no-one.

6) Blog more – I have about 5 blogs running on my WordPress, 4 of which will now consist of cobwebs, they are that neglected. As somebody who enjoys writing and would like to work in more creative roles/industries, perhaps even to go into writing itself, it would make sense for me to actually fill these blogs. One is dedicated to reviewing the (intentionally) terrible films that my gran gets me every Christmas for example. I love watching terrible films and I also dabbled in film criticism a little, why not write about them? Another blog is about one of the bigger loves in my life, football. Why not fill this blog in more often? Yes I do fear my work being torn apart by others, but how can I improve as a writer if I never let my musings be read by others. Blogging more would give me the chance to experiment some more as well as to test it out on an audience.

7) ENTER THAT DAMN COMPETITION! – Applies to two contests here; the Bridport short story/flash fiction/poetry competition, something I’ve been meaning to do now for a couple of years, entry doesn’t close until the end of May so plenty of time to craft something. The second is that I did say I’d put my name in the ballot for the Great North Run, it is something I feel I’m fit enough to do and I really do kinda fancy it, also gives me an excuse to go running and get fitter, so do it!

8) Make it a successful year at work – I was fortunate enough to find work last year with a new offshore supply, service and repair company, and this year I want to do my bit in helping this be a big year for their growth. This would also help my professional growth in a big way.

If I can achieve all or most of these things (barring the first one obviously!) I think I could make my own skin so much more comfortable to live in. So much so that I don’t think I’d ever want to leave it again!

Guilty Pleasures, everybody has a few…

https://wordpress.com/read/post/id/489937/93073/

Dear Pizzerias, chocolate makers, real ale makers, fast food producers, coffee houses, Rick Astley, other creators of cheesy yet glorious tunes (most artists active in the 80s, and you Carly Rae, and you Taylor Swift…) Thank you Tommy Wiseau, thank you Claudio Fergasso, thank you Chester Novel Turner, Edward D Wood Jr, Jean-Claude Van-Damme, thank you Troma productions, thank you amateur filmmakers everywhere.

You people are the ones who fill my life with colour, the ones who give me the utmost in pleasure. I love fast food, heavy ales, the sweetest of sweet confections. I love campy music, it always manages to raise a smile and warm the cockles of my cynical heart.

(as I write this I have the magnum opus of young Edward D Wood Jr, ‘Plan 9 from Outer Space’)