My adventure with the boys from the Dwarf… 

(As someone who is notoriously indecisive, I’ll be doing a couple of these.  I also love film and TV, so yeah, there’ll be a bombardment of my mediocre offerings.  I can only apologise in advance)

Some of my earliest memories of TV have been sci-fi related.  One of my earliest (and longest lasting) loves has been the space sci-fi comedy Red Dwarf, which operates in a similar vein to Doctor Who in that the premise allows the characters to move freely within time and (mostly) space.  A brief introduction for the uninitiated, the show centres around the titular mining ship, wandering aimlessly throughout the universe 3 million years into deep space.  Contained within this ship are our cast of hardy space adventurers, trying to find their way back to Earth.  Our cast of brave souls is as follows:

Dave Lister:  The last human in existence.  Lone human survivor of a nuclear accident which wiped out the entirety of the Red Dwarf crew (he was in stasis at the time).  Lister finds himself awoken 3 million years away from the future, and away from home. Doomed to wander space and time forever, unless he can find a way home.  Loves: slobbing, beer, curries and more slobbing.  Hates: cleanliness, order and pot based noodle snacks

Arnold Rimmer: A hologram of Listers dead bunkmate.  A man of tremendous cowardice and great pettiness.  Totally dedicated to his (non) career, to the deficit of his relationships with his fellow humans.  The character I probably identified with most as I was growing up incidentally, make of that what you will!

Kryten: A service robot rescued from the wreckage of another spaceship, arguably prissier than C3P0.  Kryten lives to serve, takes great pleasure in menial tasks and is almost entirely subservient to the rest of the crew.  Develops a rebellious streak as time goes by (not always consistently, but this is a comedy and notoriously inconsistent with almost everything it does)

The Cat:  A creature evolved from cats, behaves pretty much as you’d imagine a human-cat hybrid would. Vain, self-obsessed and incredibly stupid.  Pretty much the comedy foil to every other character.

I know it’s a long winded opening but it’s all necessary to reach my point. Which is basically if I could enjoy a consequence free visit to the future, I would spend it with the boys from the Dwarf!  It’d be interesting to visit alternate dimensions and visit my counterparts, to see how changing even the smallest decisions in my lifetime would affect me.  I’d quite like to visit the backwards universe, cause it would probably be the only time I could experience a world without crime, without war and without hatred (although granted Christmas wouldn’t be anywhere near as fun, and don’t get me started on the lavatory or eating arrangements!)  It would be interesting to see if we really are alone in this universe, if there is any alien life hiding in the darkest recesses of existence, and whether or not they are friendly (for the record, there are space creatures in RD, but they’re all creatures of human design.)  Mainly I guess it would just be nice to spend time with characters who I grew up with and being part of their unlikely band of brothers.  Others may wish to spend time upon the Starship Enterprise or suchlike, exploring the universe with a brave and dashing crew.  But that’s not for me, give me this rag-tag bunch of smeg-heads any day of the week.  Plus who doesn’t want to be waited hand-on-foot by the admirable Kryten!


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